Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
