My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
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