Betty ford says i'm here all night
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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