Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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