Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
