He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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