I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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