When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Randomize
