My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
