I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
This is the high leading the old right now
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Randomize
