I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
