I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
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