from now on my penis is your penis
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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