Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
