im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
