I accidentally burped into my bong.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
