if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
