I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
