I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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