Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
