His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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