i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
