Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
