Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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