I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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