Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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