Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Randomize
