my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
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