Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
