Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
