It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
don't judge my taste in strippers
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
