I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
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