idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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