Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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