I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
