I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Randomize
