I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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