Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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