last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
