I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
bring money and cleavage
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
