Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
