i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
