I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
