bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
