it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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