I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Randomize
