I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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