1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I wish my penis had an off switch
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
