i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
