Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
