I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
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