I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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