I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
